Depression Mode Activated

It's around 3 a.m in the morning and I can't sleep. I have been down with a nasty cold since Thursday-Friday. I have a headache and I am slightly feverish right now. And I know I should be resting instead of writing. But every time I try to close my eyes, random thoughts start running through my mind. And I can't relax. So I thought I would tire myself to sleep by writing.

Being sick makes me feel lonely. In fact, nothing makes me more lonely than being sick. Except one thing : exams! I don't know if it's just me but exams make me lonely. Very.
So being sick coupled with the fact that I have an exam on the 6th of next month is driving me into depression mode.
But then if I think about it, I realize I have been in this mode for the past 6 months or so. I think I have lost the ability to be happy. Period. Of course there are days of happiness. But they are few and far between. Most days are gloomy.

In fact, this inability to be happy has reached such a degree that I couldn't bring myself to be happy even when I got shortlisted for the GDPI for a decent B-School! Because what I was thinking was : " 975 candidates shortlisted, some 200 seats. What are the chances of conversion! Who are we kidding! There are no reasons to be happy."
I have become this cynical bitch.

But then there are reasons to be unhappy about. Always. Like not getting shortlisted for another B-School and the likelihood of not making the cutoff by 2-3 marks for another. These stuff keep coming up.
And of course, January is the month of results and it just might give me enough reasons to be unhappy for the whole of the year. Who knows.

And to be clear, I don't enjoy this unhappy bitter girl routine. But it suits me these days. Because there's nothing much to be happy about. So I am gonna put up with it for a couple more months till things start falling into place. (Hope they do fall into place!)

Shadows

Another MBA exam tomorrow. And I already feel like giving up.

The scores for my last exam came this week and it wasn't good. Not by any standards. On the bright side, the exam allows candidates to take re-tests if they think they can fare better. I don't know if I will do better but I am taking the re-test. There's nothing to lose anyway.
And barring tomorrow's exam, I have two more exams scheduled - one in December and another in January. I am also contemplating applying for an MA degree in HRM&LR.

If, a couple of months back, I had something to look forward to, say a good score in the exams, today, I no longer know what to expect. It seems like there's not much to look forward to. Good results don't seem to be in the offing.
I am losing hope. And I know it's the worst thing to happen in the face of challenges. But that's exactly what is happening at the moment.

Only time will tell whether my efforts are in vain. For now, I can only keep trying.

Cold Feet , Nervous Wreck

See I am freaking out like crazy. I see bad things. Bad unspeakable things. Like not being able to attempt even 15 questions in Quantitative. Like getting the sorriest percentile score one could think of. I see doom. I am getting cold feet.  I wanna bolt. Can I ? Can I ? Can I? No it's too late. Too late. Aahhhh!!
I am scared. Is it okay to be scared? I don't know. Tell me it's okay. It's okay. I am talking gibberish. Help! What if I screw it all up? Everything will be over then. The entire year would have been a waste then. Why why why. My life's at stake. What am I doing. Am I destined to fail?

I see bad things. I see very bad things. I am doomed. 

Of Crossing Roads

"Life would have been so much simpler if it didn't involve crossing roads. "
  -The RiceEater

A week or so back, I took the Aero-Express from the airport to Hitec City. The place where I stay falls on that particular route, but alighting near it would mean that I cross the road to reach my home. So I rode the bus till the next traffic signal less than 500 meters away , hired an auto and paid the auto-wallah 30 bucks (or was it 40? ) just to cross the road and go 500 meters back!
Does this say something about me? No? Ah well, let me enlighten you. I have this small (okay, big) problem: I have an irrational fear of crossing roads. I call it "irrational" because, well, it's irrational. (Or maybe not. If you look at the way people drive here in Hyderabad. )
I know many people who cannot cross roads. But I am on a different level altogether. I have reached a point where just the thought of crossing roads (leave alone the act of crossing roads) freaks me out and puts me in a state of anxiety. If I am to go to some place, the first thing I think about is not how far away the place is or how much money it would take to go there, but it's which side of the road the place falls on and if I will have to cross any road to reach my destination. I might even choose to not go there if it involved crossing roads.
It may sound a bit crazy. But that's how it is.

I am not sure if anyone shares the kind of paranoia that I have. But I definitely know that it would do us ( people like me or even close) a world of good if the people in power started building a couple of over-bridges and subways here and there; at heavy traffic places and strategic locations. Wouldn't it make our lives so much easier!

If I were given one day to run the country, I don't know about anything but  I would sure end up making laws to construct over-bridges and subways at every 5 km distance. No kidding!

Sweet Child O' Mine Part 2

The past one month or so has been quite eventful, by my standards.
It began with the "exodus" of the North-Easterners from some southern Indian cities following rumors of possible attacks against them. At the peak of the crisis, things seemed pretty bad and everyone panicked, and for good reason. Though I think the parents back home were the ones doing much of the panicking. We kids were chilled out in comparison.
I left Hyderabad for home the morning of August 19. ( The decision to leave was made at 9 pm the night before. Yes. Just like that.) It was less of me being scared of my safety and more of me wanting to reassure my family by going home. My parents' worry had got to a point where they were calling me up every hour and telling me to stay safe. And to add to it, my brother was shouting on the phone and ordering me to go home. It was getting on my nerves. All of it. So I said "What the hell" and took off on a impromptu vacation. (And it cost me some 30000 rupees. But I am not gonna dwell on the money part. It breaks my heart. )
But it was less of a vacation and more of a Work From Home/ Study Leave. I worked for the better part of my stay at home. And I tried my best to study. Tried. Yes. Kind of fail it was though. But then "home" and "studying" haven't really gone that well together ever since I left home for college.

A day or two after I reached home, I had questioned my decision to come. I reached home on the 18th of August and knew that my leave could be extended till the 1st or 2nd of September at the max. While my sister was expecting a baby around the 8th of September. And I was pretty sure that I would be missing the birth of my nephew/niece. Unless the little bugger decided to come out early. Which we couldn't say anything about.
I had missed my sister's wedding too, for your information. No kidding. (Unavoidable circumstances. No, not quite unavoidable. Bloody company joining made me miss my only sister's wedding. I still curse myself for that.) And to miss yet another important event in my sister's life seemed like a crime. How could I miss the arrival of my first nephew/ niece , no? But circumstances said I would. Everyone said I would. I knew I would.
Brother-in-law told me to extend my leave on medical grounds. Said he would take care of the hospital certificates and all. But problem was that even with the certificates, my managers would easily guess that it was a hoax. And with all the problems I had in office, I couldn't take the chance. I don't want to get fired yet. (I still need a couple more months to figure out where to go next. You see. )

So I shed a tear or two (not really but kind of) , told myself I would come back in a month or so to see my little baby and booked my plane tickets for the 1st of September. I was all prepared to miss the baby's birth.

A day or two went by. And then one fine morning, as I woke up, my mum asked me to come downstairs. I went and she gave me the good news that my sister had decided to go for C-section a week before the expected date! It was totally out of the blue! I hadn't expected my sister to go for C-section. We thought she would be taking the "normal" route. But then she changed her mind. And I got lucky.
The baby was to come on the 1st of September, the day I was supposed to leave. So I had to re-schedule my flight to the next day. (Oh and by the way, 8 out of 10 times, I re-schedule/cancel my flight tickets. Another way of blowing my money. As if there aren't reasons enough already.)

And so on the afternoon of 1st September 2012 (3.13 pm to be exact), my darling sister gave birth to one of the cutest babies in the world. I became the proud aunt of a baby boy. (Wanted a niece. Got a baby boy. So wanted to spoil her with pretty dresses and shoes. Gotta spoil the nephew now.)

When the nurses brought him out to show us, the first thing I noticed was his nose. He's got his mother's nose. Haha. And you have to see my sister's nose to see why I am laughing. She's got a funny nose and it's been my mother's one concern. My mum always used to wish my brother had got my sister's nose and my sister my brother's. Haha. Mum says it's okay for a guy to have such a nose. But a girl deserves better. Makes me laugh every time.

A couple of hours later, I held my little nephew in my arms for the first time and when I did, I wanted to hold him forever. I didn't want to leave home at all after having seen that cute little thing. But sadly I had to. The next day itself. (Bloody work! )

He's now 12 days old. Growing cuter day by day. I look at his pics and I smile instantly. Brightens up my day. He makes me want to leave everything and go home and hold him.

Where Am I Safe?

Hardly a month back, we read about and saw visuals of the Guwahati incident where a teenage girl was molested outside a bar, in public, by a group of 10-20 men. And not one person came to her help. Not one vehicle stopped to help the girl.
A couple of days back, I read about the attempted rape and subsequent murder of a 25 year-old lawyer in Mumbai by the security guard of the building where she was staying.
And I got to asking myself , "Where am I safe?" 
"Is there any place left where I can be and not feel threatened?" 
We are not foolish to actually believe that the security guards in our buildings and offices will be our protectors but then we also do not think that they will be the perpetrators of premeditated and heinous crimes.

As single working women, living far away from our families, we are on our own. Literally. We have only ourselves.
And no, not all Indians are my brothers and sisters, like they made us recite in school. Brothers and sisters come to your help. The majority of the people won't.

It's been five years since I left home to pursue a college degree and a career and there hasn't been a single day when I could walk down the streets without worrying about getting touched, groped or molested.
I live in constant fear of being violated. It's a fear that I share with every other girl.
And the time of the day doesn't make much of a difference really. I am as scared at 2 in the afternoon as I am at 10 in the night. Maybe a little less but just the same.

There are dangers lurking every where, in every corner. At any time. It's a minefield. You never know when you will step on one and it will blow off.
And above all, there's the feeling of complete helplessness when you realize that your safety is not in your hands anymore. You can take all the caution in the world but people with the intention to do harm will always find a way to harm you.
Safety has become only an illusion, even if you do feel safe. And it takes only one small incident for that to break.

The streets have never been safe for us women. The home is no longer safe now.
All we can do is pray to a non-existent being and ask for protection.

Do Or Die

It's a serious affair. Either I Do or I Die.

Either I get into a decent B-School next year or my life is over. Like over over. 
It might sound a little too dramatic. But that's pretty much the truth.
Professionally, my career in my present firm is taking a downhill road.
And it's not that I am not doing my job well or I have bad relations with everyone. It's just that I have good relations with almost everyone except the decision-makers/the service line managers - the people who will be deciding whether I can move on to the next level in the firm or not.
And I am not even trying to change the way things are. Because ,simply put, I don't want to. I don't care. I have no intention to stay.
I have pretty much made up my mind to leave the firm by early next year. I am staying here only because people tell me the "profile" and "brand-name" of my firm's gonna help me in my MBA interviews if ,at all, I clear the written part of the exams. I am hanging on just for that reason.
So imagine not making it through the written exams. This one year will have been a total waste then. My career will have been messed up beyond salvation. My MBA aspirations will have been crushed.
I will have nowhere to go. Neither here nor there. What would I do then?  I have no answers.
I am scared beyond words. I freak out at times. No, I freak out most times.
Of course, I am trying my best here. But I don't know what the future holds. I will only know by the beginning of next year.
I will know then if I will get a shot at being "something" and doing "something" I want.

Life In Slow Motion

It's been a week minus any highs or lows; a straight line sort of. Except that I finally watched The Dark Knight Rises! (It blew my mind. But that's a different story.)

And not to forget the fact that I couldn't wish V for his birthday at 12 o'clock for I was busy enjoying the movie. Which could have been a pretty serious affair had he not been pretty high himself! So we both ended up saying sorry to each other later; me for wishing him late, he for being high. (Don't we complement each other! Meh! )

Other than these, there's nothing worth mentioning. That's how un-happening and slow my life is! But I am not complaining. Slow is good. Slow is fine for me. 

Sweet Child O' Mine

Touch wood. Before I even begin. For I am the worrying sort. ( I attribute this to my mother. She passed on her "worrying" genes to me.)
So touch wood again. And let me begin.

In less than two-months time, I will become the proud aunt of a baby girl/boy. For my sister is expecting her first child in the beginning of September.
And I am super-excited, to say the least.
I can't wait for it to come to this world. I am dying to hold that little thing in my arms and rock him/her to sleep. Promise to love and protect him/her forever.

I haven't asked my sister whether it's a boy or a girl. But I am a little partial towards girls and have been secretly wishing for a niece. But a nephew will be just as good.
She will be my little angel. He can be my little rascal. :)

The Week That Was

It's been a pretty eventful week. Of the not-so-good type.

Monday: I almost hit the exit button from my firm. Because I thought I had had enough of that asshole of a manager.
A meeting with him spoiled my entire day and night. And the next day too. For it was the reason behind a bad incident the next day. (Read on.)

Tuesday: I got into a pretty bad spot because of a "momentary lapse of reason". Was talking to a colleague during a meeting with the region head of our firm. (Was bitching about above mentioned manager and his asshole-ness of the day before.) And the glorified clerk/PA (read: HR lady) saw that I was talking and complained to my managers and I pretty much got a bad tongue-lashing from them.
I was almost certain I was getting fired! That's what I thought. Until I talked to my friends and they assured me no one gets fired for stuff like that. But still I couldn't sleep the whole night that day.
(I don't wanna get fired. I wanna resign. You see. )


Wednesday: After a bad two days, Wednesday was better. And I had a chat with one of the managers who told me that the event of the day earlier can be forgotten and that it was "water under the bridge". Relieved. But I got a bit emotional. It must have showed on my face and he must have noticed. Crap.

Thursday, Friday and Saturday have been incident-free. (Thank God!)

Sunday : As I write this post, I am also chatting with my college crush, the one guy I totally adored and looked up to and who also happened to break my heart into pieces.
We had a bad fight back in 2009 and we have cleared things out since then. But our relationship,or whatever was left of it, has always been strained.
But in spite of everything, I can never hate him. That's how I am.
And by the way, he still remembered my pet name. Not bad huh.

And that's pretty much how my week has been. The better part of Sunday remains though. Lets hope nothing terrible happens. And with that, I thee sign off.

Welcome To My World

In the words of John Denver, "Some days are diamonds. Some days are stones."

Indeed. Right?

You know how some days are good. And some bad. Some days we smile. And some days we cry. Some days we dance.  Some days we just wanna give up.

Everyday is not special. Some days we question our existence. Why am I here? we ask.
But life goes on each day. We hang on. We survive.
Everyday we live, come rain or come shine.

And as I go through my own not-so-extraordinary life, trying to find a place in the world, I have decided to create my own turf here and write my way through life.
I will write about the good days and the bad. About the people I meet and the ones I love. I will write about life. About pain and hurt. I will write about the world. I will write about me.

This is where my thoughts and feelings will come alive. This will be my life in words.

Welcome to my world!