It's around 3 a.m in the morning and I can't sleep. I have been down with a nasty cold since Thursday-Friday. I have a headache and I am slightly feverish right now. And I know I should be resting instead of writing. But every time I try to close my eyes, random thoughts start running through my mind. And I can't relax. So I thought I would tire myself to sleep by writing.
Being sick makes me feel lonely. In fact, nothing makes me more lonely than being sick. Except one thing : exams! I don't know if it's just me but exams make me lonely. Very.
So being sick coupled with the fact that I have an exam on the 6th of next month is driving me into depression mode.
But then if I think about it, I realize I have been in this mode for the past 6 months or so. I think I have lost the ability to be happy. Period. Of course there are days of happiness. But they are few and far between. Most days are gloomy.
In fact, this inability to be happy has reached such a degree that I couldn't bring myself to be happy even when I got shortlisted for the GDPI for a decent B-School! Because what I was thinking was : " 975 candidates shortlisted, some 200 seats. What are the chances of conversion! Who are we kidding! There are no reasons to be happy."
I have become this cynical bitch.
But then there are reasons to be unhappy about. Always. Like not getting shortlisted for another B-School and the likelihood of not making the cutoff by 2-3 marks for another. These stuff keep coming up.
And of course, January is the month of results and it just might give me enough reasons to be unhappy for the whole of the year. Who knows.
And to be clear, I don't enjoy this unhappy bitter girl routine. But it suits me these days. Because there's nothing much to be happy about. So I am gonna put up with it for a couple more months till things start falling into place. (Hope they do fall into place!)
Being sick makes me feel lonely. In fact, nothing makes me more lonely than being sick. Except one thing : exams! I don't know if it's just me but exams make me lonely. Very.
So being sick coupled with the fact that I have an exam on the 6th of next month is driving me into depression mode.
But then if I think about it, I realize I have been in this mode for the past 6 months or so. I think I have lost the ability to be happy. Period. Of course there are days of happiness. But they are few and far between. Most days are gloomy.
In fact, this inability to be happy has reached such a degree that I couldn't bring myself to be happy even when I got shortlisted for the GDPI for a decent B-School! Because what I was thinking was : " 975 candidates shortlisted, some 200 seats. What are the chances of conversion! Who are we kidding! There are no reasons to be happy."
I have become this cynical bitch.
But then there are reasons to be unhappy about. Always. Like not getting shortlisted for another B-School and the likelihood of not making the cutoff by 2-3 marks for another. These stuff keep coming up.
And of course, January is the month of results and it just might give me enough reasons to be unhappy for the whole of the year. Who knows.
And to be clear, I don't enjoy this unhappy bitter girl routine. But it suits me these days. Because there's nothing much to be happy about. So I am gonna put up with it for a couple more months till things start falling into place. (Hope they do fall into place!)
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