Words

There are just too many things I want to write about at the moment. I don't know where to start and what to start with. Words jumbled in my head making me dizzy. Words fighting with each other for my attention; buzzing in my ears, pleading.

Where do I begin? What do I write? About my feelings of not belonging to any place, any thing, any one? About some new found perspectives on being a north-easterner in mainland India? About my love for the person who's miles and miles away from me? About the job that I am not getting and the heartbreak of having to settle for something I don't want?
The list goes on.

But the common thread in all these topics is the internal turmoil that's gripping me. It's the feeling of being completely on my own in this world. It's the pain and the sadness that's not visible but damages me inside and leaves me cold. 

Through The Stormy Night

On nights like this when I am lying in bed unable to sleep, feeling sad and lost and lonely, and the heart heavy with emotions, my mind goes back to a scene from one of the early seasons of Grey's Anatomy : the one where Christina has an ectopic pregnancy and has to undergo an emergency surgery - she is lying in the hospital bed looking alright but when Burke comes and lies down beside her holding her, she breaks down.
I can relate to Christina because I think I am as emotionally challenged as she is. I can feel the emotions that must have been running inside her and the need to let them out and let them flow. And I know the frustration of not being able to do that. The internal turmoil of holding things in. I battle them all the time. I know them like the back of my hand.
But Christina had her Burke to hold her. I have no one to call my own.

Nights like this when loneliness slowly creeps up my spine and into my soul, when emotions run amok, when bitterness threatens to invade me, when there are strange voices in my head, when I need to let it out and let it go, when I am screaming voiceless screams, I wish for someone strong enough to comfort me. Someone to lie down beside and hold me tight. Someone whose heartbeat will calm down my restless heart. Someone whose embrace will melt the coldness inside and drive bitterness away.
And it's also nights like this that make me realize how utterly alone I am in this world. No one to love me through the stormy night. No one to tell me it's gonna be alright. 

Life Had Something Else In Mind, Again

You may plan all you want. You may think you have had it all figured out. But life has its own way of hitting you in the head and telling you, "I have something else planned for you!"
This has happened to me countless times I am now thinking I should stop making any plans and just let life takes its own course. But then I am scared life's gonna screw me if I stop planning and worrying. ( I am a pathological worrier, you see.)
The most recent event in this long list of events is my summer internship placement. Even before I joined college, I was pretty sure I wanted to take up marketing. When I joined college and was put through the process of "deciding what you want", I wanted a marketing internship. On being told that I might not get many marketing shortlists, I decided to look into Consulting as another career option. As day zero got near and tensions ran high, IT sprang up as a last resort.
But a finance company never featured in my list of companies for summer internship. I had applied but never thought I would make it or I was suited for a role in finance. But the universe conspired to make me end up just there - the slotting of companies during the summers process played a big part and it needs discussion if the existing process is unfair to students and if a change should be brought - and here I am today with an internship offer as an operations analyst at an American bank.
Truth be told, when I was offered the internship, I wasn't expecting it at all I didn't know how to feel. The interview had gone pretty well but I just wasn't ready to accept that I would go there.
In hindsight, I am happy I got it. And it should turn out good. This does not mean that I am not scared of what the future holds. Of course, there's still five odd months before internship starts and I am going to prepare for it. But the apprehension is there, I feel it. All I am hoping is I will learn and do well and live up to my potential. 

Guilt-tripping

The lows are getting lower
And the highs nowhere to be seen.
Guilt-tripping on my non-accomplishments,
Rejections piling up,
Disappointment rearing its ugly head ever so often.
Lost in the crowd
And drowning in hopelessness,
I sit here and wait
For the final moment of destruction.

Uncertainty

You've left behind what you knew you wanted,
And chosen to walk down an uncertain path,
Fraught with demons and ghosts,
Not knowing where the destination is
Or if there's light at the end. 

Battlefield

Not a moment
To sit down and think
Contemplate the choices
The steps I have taken
No time to reflect
To see if I am happy or sad
How I feel deep down inside

The hours are moving fast and swift
The people leaving me behind
I catch a moment in my hands
Bring myself to think a bit
And I feel a heartache somewhere unseen
A pinch here
A heaviness there
A yearning for the things I left behind
The people I love
And the faces I know.

Destination Kolkata

I have a history of ending up at places I never thought I would; places that were not my first or second choice.
Back in 2007, I landed in Bhopal to join engineering college. In June 2011, I went to Hyderabad to work. Bangalore was my preferred destination both times. But life had something else planned for me.

In the beginning, I had my apprehensions about the places I was going to. I worried if I would hate the place, if I would be able to fit in with the crowd there. But somewhere along the way, I fell in love with the cities that were my second home. They were far from perfect but as it went, each had it's charm, each had something to offer me. If Bhopal had it's lakes, Hyderabad had it's biryani.
But what's common to both cities are the friendships I made and the sense of belonging I felt. Moments of magic were shared. Memories were made. And as I sit at home writing this, I can't help but feel a yearning to go back to these places.

My next stop happens to be Kolkata and this time around, the apprehension is huge. Huger than before. See, I first went to Kolkata when I was 3 years old, got sick and had a terrible time. I have hated the city ever since. The taxis, the crowd, the smell. Everything.
I try not to think too much and tell myself I am okay with it, but when I get paranoid, I start wishing I had gone to Pune! The only comforting thing about staying in Kolkata is that I won't have to spend 20k or take connecting flights to travel to my hometown. That's a big thing. But other than that, God save me!