Destination Kolkata

I have a history of ending up at places I never thought I would; places that were not my first or second choice.
Back in 2007, I landed in Bhopal to join engineering college. In June 2011, I went to Hyderabad to work. Bangalore was my preferred destination both times. But life had something else planned for me.

In the beginning, I had my apprehensions about the places I was going to. I worried if I would hate the place, if I would be able to fit in with the crowd there. But somewhere along the way, I fell in love with the cities that were my second home. They were far from perfect but as it went, each had it's charm, each had something to offer me. If Bhopal had it's lakes, Hyderabad had it's biryani.
But what's common to both cities are the friendships I made and the sense of belonging I felt. Moments of magic were shared. Memories were made. And as I sit at home writing this, I can't help but feel a yearning to go back to these places.

My next stop happens to be Kolkata and this time around, the apprehension is huge. Huger than before. See, I first went to Kolkata when I was 3 years old, got sick and had a terrible time. I have hated the city ever since. The taxis, the crowd, the smell. Everything.
I try not to think too much and tell myself I am okay with it, but when I get paranoid, I start wishing I had gone to Pune! The only comforting thing about staying in Kolkata is that I won't have to spend 20k or take connecting flights to travel to my hometown. That's a big thing. But other than that, God save me! 

June 2011 - April 2013 : An Ode

I landed in Hyderabad late one night in June, 2011. I was fresh out of engineering college then. I was young and extremely excited about the new life that I was about to start. I looked forward to the freedom and independence that came with living alone, far away from home. I wanted to live on my own terms. I wanted to experience life.

When I left Hyderabad in April of this year, I looked back and realized that I had learned, I had grown, I had experienced, and I had lived.  The city gave me all that I had hoped for and much more.

Back during my engineering days, I had decided that I would not jump into post-graduate studies right after graduation for the simple reason that I wanted to live on my own in a big city for a while, face the little challenges that a single girl in an unknown city would and test myself. I am happy I made that decision.

The last two years were filled with “firsts” and little moments that made me smile, cry, laugh, curse. To start with, I got my first paycheck. (The “salary credited” message never failed to bring me a smile.) I partied at five star hotels. (Thanks to my very generous employer, there was no dearth of parties during my 22-month stay there.) I took my first road trip from Hyderabad to Bangalore during which I wouldn't close my eyes for a second because I was so scared the friend driving would ram the car into a truck or something if I dozed off! I touched 55 kg for the first time, I think. (55 kg is that weight I wish I could always maintain.) I had my first “relationship” and a crazy one at that. I had my first breakup as well. I had my first chilled beer. (The beer in college used to be warm.)  I wore real heels. I started to cook. I traveled alone with three guys to another city. (My mother must never learn of this!) I went to the movies alone for the first time. (English Vinglish on my birthday.)

All the times I got drunk. Like the day I drank three bottles of beer and punched my friends for an hour. (The next day my hand was hurting so bad from all the punching I felt terribly bad for my friends.) The night I drank too much and passed out in the club. And that was the same night I met the handsomest guy ever but screwed it up.  (I know his first/nick name, that he works in the US and was visiting his parents in Hyderabad (January, 2012) and specifically, on 14th January, he was in Rain, the club! Someone please find this guy. I wanna ask him out for a date, if possible!)

Most of all, the friendships that were forged. The friends who went out of their way to let me have my way. The guys who took me as one of their own. The free rides and the free dinners. The love I got. The boyfriend who taught me what it means to care for someone deeply. The boyfriend who’s no longer my boyfriend but will always be a great friend.

And there were the other moments. The times of utter doubt and disappointment. The terrible days in office when nothing seemed to go right. The months of MBA preparations and the sleepless nights. The results that made me hurt. And the ones that gave me hope.  The little battles I fought. The moments that broke me. The moments that made me.

All in all, I learned to live alone. I learned to enjoy my freedom. I learned to believe in myself and the strength inside. But I also learned the importance of friends and of having someone to love. 

I landed in Hyderabad a girl. I left the place a woman. 

Crazy Stupid Bad

So this is how it feels like to feel crazily bad and terrible inside that you just wanna puke. It's like someone's squeezing my heart so hard. It's like no air's going into my lungs and I can't breathe.
I feel terribly and completely sore. I feel battered.
And I feel scared. And small. And alone. I feel lost.

I need a tight hug and a hand to hold. I need someone to help me stand firm when things come crashing down. 

To Be Or Not To Be

Making your own choices. Following your dreams. Being what you want to be.
In the Indian context, I think it's easier said than done.

In a place like India where parents continue to play a major role in decision-making, are we really free to make our own choices? Yes, if that involves you choosing to take up a big paying job or pursue an MBA. Yes. But what if we decide to stray from the mainstream and want to do something else? What then?
Can we really make our choice freely in such a scenario?

In very few cases, really supportive parents will come forward and put their faith in their kids' decisions.
In most cases, however, parents will do all they can to stop their children from following their dreams.

I think most of us have, at some point, wanted to be something but were told to shut up and be what mamma-papa think we should be.
No amount of convincing would work. Our words would fall on deaf ears. We would be told that we are stupid and that they have lived far longer than us to know what's good and what's not.

So how does one deal with this?  How far does one go to pursue his/her dreams? What price are we willing to pay?
Make our own decisions at the cost of destroying our relationship with the parents? But then imagine giving up on your dreams because of your parents. What kind of a relationship will you have with your parents then? Won't you have a grudge? Won't you blame them for any failure that you might encounter? I would. I definitely would.

My parents and I are warring these days on what I should do and what I shouldn't. And at the moment, I feel more sad than angry. I feel sad because I wish my parents would understand me a little better. I wish they would try to understand my aspirations. But life's a bitch. We can't change our parents. We can't do anything about them. We are stuck with them as much as they might feel stuck with us.

Them and Me

This life is yours, they say
But it is not for you to decide
What becomes of this life of yours.

What gives you happiness
You cannot choose.
The pain and sorrow
We will pick them for you.

We gave birth to you.
We brought you up.
You are indebted to us till the end of time,
Forever to follow our wishes and dreams
And what we think is best for you.

You are naive, you do not know.
You can't decide what's right and wrong.
You disappoint us time and again.

Don't do this, don't do that.
This is good, this is bad.
They tell me I am not to trust.

They leave no room for me
To breathe and to grow my wings.
And I die a little each day.

They say they want to give me happiness
But all they give me are feelings
Of loneliness and pain.

Depression Mode Activated

It's around 3 a.m in the morning and I can't sleep. I have been down with a nasty cold since Thursday-Friday. I have a headache and I am slightly feverish right now. And I know I should be resting instead of writing. But every time I try to close my eyes, random thoughts start running through my mind. And I can't relax. So I thought I would tire myself to sleep by writing.

Being sick makes me feel lonely. In fact, nothing makes me more lonely than being sick. Except one thing : exams! I don't know if it's just me but exams make me lonely. Very.
So being sick coupled with the fact that I have an exam on the 6th of next month is driving me into depression mode.
But then if I think about it, I realize I have been in this mode for the past 6 months or so. I think I have lost the ability to be happy. Period. Of course there are days of happiness. But they are few and far between. Most days are gloomy.

In fact, this inability to be happy has reached such a degree that I couldn't bring myself to be happy even when I got shortlisted for the GDPI for a decent B-School! Because what I was thinking was : " 975 candidates shortlisted, some 200 seats. What are the chances of conversion! Who are we kidding! There are no reasons to be happy."
I have become this cynical bitch.

But then there are reasons to be unhappy about. Always. Like not getting shortlisted for another B-School and the likelihood of not making the cutoff by 2-3 marks for another. These stuff keep coming up.
And of course, January is the month of results and it just might give me enough reasons to be unhappy for the whole of the year. Who knows.

And to be clear, I don't enjoy this unhappy bitter girl routine. But it suits me these days. Because there's nothing much to be happy about. So I am gonna put up with it for a couple more months till things start falling into place. (Hope they do fall into place!)

Shadows

Another MBA exam tomorrow. And I already feel like giving up.

The scores for my last exam came this week and it wasn't good. Not by any standards. On the bright side, the exam allows candidates to take re-tests if they think they can fare better. I don't know if I will do better but I am taking the re-test. There's nothing to lose anyway.
And barring tomorrow's exam, I have two more exams scheduled - one in December and another in January. I am also contemplating applying for an MA degree in HRM&LR.

If, a couple of months back, I had something to look forward to, say a good score in the exams, today, I no longer know what to expect. It seems like there's not much to look forward to. Good results don't seem to be in the offing.
I am losing hope. And I know it's the worst thing to happen in the face of challenges. But that's exactly what is happening at the moment.

Only time will tell whether my efforts are in vain. For now, I can only keep trying.