Crazy Stupid Bad

So this is how it feels like to feel crazily bad and terrible inside that you just wanna puke. It's like someone's squeezing my heart so hard. It's like no air's going into my lungs and I can't breathe.
I feel terribly and completely sore. I feel battered.
And I feel scared. And small. And alone. I feel lost.

I need a tight hug and a hand to hold. I need someone to help me stand firm when things come crashing down. 

To Be Or Not To Be

Making your own choices. Following your dreams. Being what you want to be.
In the Indian context, I think it's easier said than done.

In a place like India where parents continue to play a major role in decision-making, are we really free to make our own choices? Yes, if that involves you choosing to take up a big paying job or pursue an MBA. Yes. But what if we decide to stray from the mainstream and want to do something else? What then?
Can we really make our choice freely in such a scenario?

In very few cases, really supportive parents will come forward and put their faith in their kids' decisions.
In most cases, however, parents will do all they can to stop their children from following their dreams.

I think most of us have, at some point, wanted to be something but were told to shut up and be what mamma-papa think we should be.
No amount of convincing would work. Our words would fall on deaf ears. We would be told that we are stupid and that they have lived far longer than us to know what's good and what's not.

So how does one deal with this?  How far does one go to pursue his/her dreams? What price are we willing to pay?
Make our own decisions at the cost of destroying our relationship with the parents? But then imagine giving up on your dreams because of your parents. What kind of a relationship will you have with your parents then? Won't you have a grudge? Won't you blame them for any failure that you might encounter? I would. I definitely would.

My parents and I are warring these days on what I should do and what I shouldn't. And at the moment, I feel more sad than angry. I feel sad because I wish my parents would understand me a little better. I wish they would try to understand my aspirations. But life's a bitch. We can't change our parents. We can't do anything about them. We are stuck with them as much as they might feel stuck with us.

Them and Me

This life is yours, they say
But it is not for you to decide
What becomes of this life of yours.

What gives you happiness
You cannot choose.
The pain and sorrow
We will pick them for you.

We gave birth to you.
We brought you up.
You are indebted to us till the end of time,
Forever to follow our wishes and dreams
And what we think is best for you.

You are naive, you do not know.
You can't decide what's right and wrong.
You disappoint us time and again.

Don't do this, don't do that.
This is good, this is bad.
They tell me I am not to trust.

They leave no room for me
To breathe and to grow my wings.
And I die a little each day.

They say they want to give me happiness
But all they give me are feelings
Of loneliness and pain.

Depression Mode Activated

It's around 3 a.m in the morning and I can't sleep. I have been down with a nasty cold since Thursday-Friday. I have a headache and I am slightly feverish right now. And I know I should be resting instead of writing. But every time I try to close my eyes, random thoughts start running through my mind. And I can't relax. So I thought I would tire myself to sleep by writing.

Being sick makes me feel lonely. In fact, nothing makes me more lonely than being sick. Except one thing : exams! I don't know if it's just me but exams make me lonely. Very.
So being sick coupled with the fact that I have an exam on the 6th of next month is driving me into depression mode.
But then if I think about it, I realize I have been in this mode for the past 6 months or so. I think I have lost the ability to be happy. Period. Of course there are days of happiness. But they are few and far between. Most days are gloomy.

In fact, this inability to be happy has reached such a degree that I couldn't bring myself to be happy even when I got shortlisted for the GDPI for a decent B-School! Because what I was thinking was : " 975 candidates shortlisted, some 200 seats. What are the chances of conversion! Who are we kidding! There are no reasons to be happy."
I have become this cynical bitch.

But then there are reasons to be unhappy about. Always. Like not getting shortlisted for another B-School and the likelihood of not making the cutoff by 2-3 marks for another. These stuff keep coming up.
And of course, January is the month of results and it just might give me enough reasons to be unhappy for the whole of the year. Who knows.

And to be clear, I don't enjoy this unhappy bitter girl routine. But it suits me these days. Because there's nothing much to be happy about. So I am gonna put up with it for a couple more months till things start falling into place. (Hope they do fall into place!)

Shadows

Another MBA exam tomorrow. And I already feel like giving up.

The scores for my last exam came this week and it wasn't good. Not by any standards. On the bright side, the exam allows candidates to take re-tests if they think they can fare better. I don't know if I will do better but I am taking the re-test. There's nothing to lose anyway.
And barring tomorrow's exam, I have two more exams scheduled - one in December and another in January. I am also contemplating applying for an MA degree in HRM&LR.

If, a couple of months back, I had something to look forward to, say a good score in the exams, today, I no longer know what to expect. It seems like there's not much to look forward to. Good results don't seem to be in the offing.
I am losing hope. And I know it's the worst thing to happen in the face of challenges. But that's exactly what is happening at the moment.

Only time will tell whether my efforts are in vain. For now, I can only keep trying.

Cold Feet , Nervous Wreck

See I am freaking out like crazy. I see bad things. Bad unspeakable things. Like not being able to attempt even 15 questions in Quantitative. Like getting the sorriest percentile score one could think of. I see doom. I am getting cold feet.  I wanna bolt. Can I ? Can I ? Can I? No it's too late. Too late. Aahhhh!!
I am scared. Is it okay to be scared? I don't know. Tell me it's okay. It's okay. I am talking gibberish. Help! What if I screw it all up? Everything will be over then. The entire year would have been a waste then. Why why why. My life's at stake. What am I doing. Am I destined to fail?

I see bad things. I see very bad things. I am doomed. 

Of Crossing Roads

"Life would have been so much simpler if it didn't involve crossing roads. "
  -The RiceEater

A week or so back, I took the Aero-Express from the airport to Hitec City. The place where I stay falls on that particular route, but alighting near it would mean that I cross the road to reach my home. So I rode the bus till the next traffic signal less than 500 meters away , hired an auto and paid the auto-wallah 30 bucks (or was it 40? ) just to cross the road and go 500 meters back!
Does this say something about me? No? Ah well, let me enlighten you. I have this small (okay, big) problem: I have an irrational fear of crossing roads. I call it "irrational" because, well, it's irrational. (Or maybe not. If you look at the way people drive here in Hyderabad. )
I know many people who cannot cross roads. But I am on a different level altogether. I have reached a point where just the thought of crossing roads (leave alone the act of crossing roads) freaks me out and puts me in a state of anxiety. If I am to go to some place, the first thing I think about is not how far away the place is or how much money it would take to go there, but it's which side of the road the place falls on and if I will have to cross any road to reach my destination. I might even choose to not go there if it involved crossing roads.
It may sound a bit crazy. But that's how it is.

I am not sure if anyone shares the kind of paranoia that I have. But I definitely know that it would do us ( people like me or even close) a world of good if the people in power started building a couple of over-bridges and subways here and there; at heavy traffic places and strategic locations. Wouldn't it make our lives so much easier!

If I were given one day to run the country, I don't know about anything but  I would sure end up making laws to construct over-bridges and subways at every 5 km distance. No kidding!