Words

There are just too many things I want to write about at the moment. I don't know where to start and what to start with. Words jumbled in my head making me dizzy. Words fighting with each other for my attention; buzzing in my ears, pleading.

Where do I begin? What do I write? About my feelings of not belonging to any place, any thing, any one? About some new found perspectives on being a north-easterner in mainland India? About my love for the person who's miles and miles away from me? About the job that I am not getting and the heartbreak of having to settle for something I don't want?
The list goes on.

But the common thread in all these topics is the internal turmoil that's gripping me. It's the feeling of being completely on my own in this world. It's the pain and the sadness that's not visible but damages me inside and leaves me cold. 

Through The Stormy Night

On nights like this when I am lying in bed unable to sleep, feeling sad and lost and lonely, and the heart heavy with emotions, my mind goes back to a scene from one of the early seasons of Grey's Anatomy : the one where Christina has an ectopic pregnancy and has to undergo an emergency surgery - she is lying in the hospital bed looking alright but when Burke comes and lies down beside her holding her, she breaks down.
I can relate to Christina because I think I am as emotionally challenged as she is. I can feel the emotions that must have been running inside her and the need to let them out and let them flow. And I know the frustration of not being able to do that. The internal turmoil of holding things in. I battle them all the time. I know them like the back of my hand.
But Christina had her Burke to hold her. I have no one to call my own.

Nights like this when loneliness slowly creeps up my spine and into my soul, when emotions run amok, when bitterness threatens to invade me, when there are strange voices in my head, when I need to let it out and let it go, when I am screaming voiceless screams, I wish for someone strong enough to comfort me. Someone to lie down beside and hold me tight. Someone whose heartbeat will calm down my restless heart. Someone whose embrace will melt the coldness inside and drive bitterness away.
And it's also nights like this that make me realize how utterly alone I am in this world. No one to love me through the stormy night. No one to tell me it's gonna be alright. 

Life Had Something Else In Mind, Again

You may plan all you want. You may think you have had it all figured out. But life has its own way of hitting you in the head and telling you, "I have something else planned for you!"
This has happened to me countless times I am now thinking I should stop making any plans and just let life takes its own course. But then I am scared life's gonna screw me if I stop planning and worrying. ( I am a pathological worrier, you see.)
The most recent event in this long list of events is my summer internship placement. Even before I joined college, I was pretty sure I wanted to take up marketing. When I joined college and was put through the process of "deciding what you want", I wanted a marketing internship. On being told that I might not get many marketing shortlists, I decided to look into Consulting as another career option. As day zero got near and tensions ran high, IT sprang up as a last resort.
But a finance company never featured in my list of companies for summer internship. I had applied but never thought I would make it or I was suited for a role in finance. But the universe conspired to make me end up just there - the slotting of companies during the summers process played a big part and it needs discussion if the existing process is unfair to students and if a change should be brought - and here I am today with an internship offer as an operations analyst at an American bank.
Truth be told, when I was offered the internship, I wasn't expecting it at all I didn't know how to feel. The interview had gone pretty well but I just wasn't ready to accept that I would go there.
In hindsight, I am happy I got it. And it should turn out good. This does not mean that I am not scared of what the future holds. Of course, there's still five odd months before internship starts and I am going to prepare for it. But the apprehension is there, I feel it. All I am hoping is I will learn and do well and live up to my potential. 

Guilt-tripping

The lows are getting lower
And the highs nowhere to be seen.
Guilt-tripping on my non-accomplishments,
Rejections piling up,
Disappointment rearing its ugly head ever so often.
Lost in the crowd
And drowning in hopelessness,
I sit here and wait
For the final moment of destruction.

Uncertainty

You've left behind what you knew you wanted,
And chosen to walk down an uncertain path,
Fraught with demons and ghosts,
Not knowing where the destination is
Or if there's light at the end. 

Battlefield

Not a moment
To sit down and think
Contemplate the choices
The steps I have taken
No time to reflect
To see if I am happy or sad
How I feel deep down inside

The hours are moving fast and swift
The people leaving me behind
I catch a moment in my hands
Bring myself to think a bit
And I feel a heartache somewhere unseen
A pinch here
A heaviness there
A yearning for the things I left behind
The people I love
And the faces I know.

Destination Kolkata

I have a history of ending up at places I never thought I would; places that were not my first or second choice.
Back in 2007, I landed in Bhopal to join engineering college. In June 2011, I went to Hyderabad to work. Bangalore was my preferred destination both times. But life had something else planned for me.

In the beginning, I had my apprehensions about the places I was going to. I worried if I would hate the place, if I would be able to fit in with the crowd there. But somewhere along the way, I fell in love with the cities that were my second home. They were far from perfect but as it went, each had it's charm, each had something to offer me. If Bhopal had it's lakes, Hyderabad had it's biryani.
But what's common to both cities are the friendships I made and the sense of belonging I felt. Moments of magic were shared. Memories were made. And as I sit at home writing this, I can't help but feel a yearning to go back to these places.

My next stop happens to be Kolkata and this time around, the apprehension is huge. Huger than before. See, I first went to Kolkata when I was 3 years old, got sick and had a terrible time. I have hated the city ever since. The taxis, the crowd, the smell. Everything.
I try not to think too much and tell myself I am okay with it, but when I get paranoid, I start wishing I had gone to Pune! The only comforting thing about staying in Kolkata is that I won't have to spend 20k or take connecting flights to travel to my hometown. That's a big thing. But other than that, God save me! 

June 2011 - April 2013 : An Ode

I landed in Hyderabad late one night in June, 2011. I was fresh out of engineering college then. I was young and extremely excited about the new life that I was about to start. I looked forward to the freedom and independence that came with living alone, far away from home. I wanted to live on my own terms. I wanted to experience life.

When I left Hyderabad in April of this year, I looked back and realized that I had learned, I had grown, I had experienced, and I had lived.  The city gave me all that I had hoped for and much more.

Back during my engineering days, I had decided that I would not jump into post-graduate studies right after graduation for the simple reason that I wanted to live on my own in a big city for a while, face the little challenges that a single girl in an unknown city would and test myself. I am happy I made that decision.

The last two years were filled with “firsts” and little moments that made me smile, cry, laugh, curse. To start with, I got my first paycheck. (The “salary credited” message never failed to bring me a smile.) I partied at five star hotels. (Thanks to my very generous employer, there was no dearth of parties during my 22-month stay there.) I took my first road trip from Hyderabad to Bangalore during which I wouldn't close my eyes for a second because I was so scared the friend driving would ram the car into a truck or something if I dozed off! I touched 55 kg for the first time, I think. (55 kg is that weight I wish I could always maintain.) I had my first “relationship” and a crazy one at that. I had my first breakup as well. I had my first chilled beer. (The beer in college used to be warm.)  I wore real heels. I started to cook. I traveled alone with three guys to another city. (My mother must never learn of this!) I went to the movies alone for the first time. (English Vinglish on my birthday.)

All the times I got drunk. Like the day I drank three bottles of beer and punched my friends for an hour. (The next day my hand was hurting so bad from all the punching I felt terribly bad for my friends.) The night I drank too much and passed out in the club. And that was the same night I met the handsomest guy ever but screwed it up.  (I know his first/nick name, that he works in the US and was visiting his parents in Hyderabad (January, 2012) and specifically, on 14th January, he was in Rain, the club! Someone please find this guy. I wanna ask him out for a date, if possible!)

Most of all, the friendships that were forged. The friends who went out of their way to let me have my way. The guys who took me as one of their own. The free rides and the free dinners. The love I got. The boyfriend who taught me what it means to care for someone deeply. The boyfriend who’s no longer my boyfriend but will always be a great friend.

And there were the other moments. The times of utter doubt and disappointment. The terrible days in office when nothing seemed to go right. The months of MBA preparations and the sleepless nights. The results that made me hurt. And the ones that gave me hope.  The little battles I fought. The moments that broke me. The moments that made me.

All in all, I learned to live alone. I learned to enjoy my freedom. I learned to believe in myself and the strength inside. But I also learned the importance of friends and of having someone to love. 

I landed in Hyderabad a girl. I left the place a woman. 

Crazy Stupid Bad

So this is how it feels like to feel crazily bad and terrible inside that you just wanna puke. It's like someone's squeezing my heart so hard. It's like no air's going into my lungs and I can't breathe.
I feel terribly and completely sore. I feel battered.
And I feel scared. And small. And alone. I feel lost.

I need a tight hug and a hand to hold. I need someone to help me stand firm when things come crashing down. 

To Be Or Not To Be

Making your own choices. Following your dreams. Being what you want to be.
In the Indian context, I think it's easier said than done.

In a place like India where parents continue to play a major role in decision-making, are we really free to make our own choices? Yes, if that involves you choosing to take up a big paying job or pursue an MBA. Yes. But what if we decide to stray from the mainstream and want to do something else? What then?
Can we really make our choice freely in such a scenario?

In very few cases, really supportive parents will come forward and put their faith in their kids' decisions.
In most cases, however, parents will do all they can to stop their children from following their dreams.

I think most of us have, at some point, wanted to be something but were told to shut up and be what mamma-papa think we should be.
No amount of convincing would work. Our words would fall on deaf ears. We would be told that we are stupid and that they have lived far longer than us to know what's good and what's not.

So how does one deal with this?  How far does one go to pursue his/her dreams? What price are we willing to pay?
Make our own decisions at the cost of destroying our relationship with the parents? But then imagine giving up on your dreams because of your parents. What kind of a relationship will you have with your parents then? Won't you have a grudge? Won't you blame them for any failure that you might encounter? I would. I definitely would.

My parents and I are warring these days on what I should do and what I shouldn't. And at the moment, I feel more sad than angry. I feel sad because I wish my parents would understand me a little better. I wish they would try to understand my aspirations. But life's a bitch. We can't change our parents. We can't do anything about them. We are stuck with them as much as they might feel stuck with us.

Them and Me

This life is yours, they say
But it is not for you to decide
What becomes of this life of yours.

What gives you happiness
You cannot choose.
The pain and sorrow
We will pick them for you.

We gave birth to you.
We brought you up.
You are indebted to us till the end of time,
Forever to follow our wishes and dreams
And what we think is best for you.

You are naive, you do not know.
You can't decide what's right and wrong.
You disappoint us time and again.

Don't do this, don't do that.
This is good, this is bad.
They tell me I am not to trust.

They leave no room for me
To breathe and to grow my wings.
And I die a little each day.

They say they want to give me happiness
But all they give me are feelings
Of loneliness and pain.

Depression Mode Activated

It's around 3 a.m in the morning and I can't sleep. I have been down with a nasty cold since Thursday-Friday. I have a headache and I am slightly feverish right now. And I know I should be resting instead of writing. But every time I try to close my eyes, random thoughts start running through my mind. And I can't relax. So I thought I would tire myself to sleep by writing.

Being sick makes me feel lonely. In fact, nothing makes me more lonely than being sick. Except one thing : exams! I don't know if it's just me but exams make me lonely. Very.
So being sick coupled with the fact that I have an exam on the 6th of next month is driving me into depression mode.
But then if I think about it, I realize I have been in this mode for the past 6 months or so. I think I have lost the ability to be happy. Period. Of course there are days of happiness. But they are few and far between. Most days are gloomy.

In fact, this inability to be happy has reached such a degree that I couldn't bring myself to be happy even when I got shortlisted for the GDPI for a decent B-School! Because what I was thinking was : " 975 candidates shortlisted, some 200 seats. What are the chances of conversion! Who are we kidding! There are no reasons to be happy."
I have become this cynical bitch.

But then there are reasons to be unhappy about. Always. Like not getting shortlisted for another B-School and the likelihood of not making the cutoff by 2-3 marks for another. These stuff keep coming up.
And of course, January is the month of results and it just might give me enough reasons to be unhappy for the whole of the year. Who knows.

And to be clear, I don't enjoy this unhappy bitter girl routine. But it suits me these days. Because there's nothing much to be happy about. So I am gonna put up with it for a couple more months till things start falling into place. (Hope they do fall into place!)

Shadows

Another MBA exam tomorrow. And I already feel like giving up.

The scores for my last exam came this week and it wasn't good. Not by any standards. On the bright side, the exam allows candidates to take re-tests if they think they can fare better. I don't know if I will do better but I am taking the re-test. There's nothing to lose anyway.
And barring tomorrow's exam, I have two more exams scheduled - one in December and another in January. I am also contemplating applying for an MA degree in HRM&LR.

If, a couple of months back, I had something to look forward to, say a good score in the exams, today, I no longer know what to expect. It seems like there's not much to look forward to. Good results don't seem to be in the offing.
I am losing hope. And I know it's the worst thing to happen in the face of challenges. But that's exactly what is happening at the moment.

Only time will tell whether my efforts are in vain. For now, I can only keep trying.

Cold Feet , Nervous Wreck

See I am freaking out like crazy. I see bad things. Bad unspeakable things. Like not being able to attempt even 15 questions in Quantitative. Like getting the sorriest percentile score one could think of. I see doom. I am getting cold feet.  I wanna bolt. Can I ? Can I ? Can I? No it's too late. Too late. Aahhhh!!
I am scared. Is it okay to be scared? I don't know. Tell me it's okay. It's okay. I am talking gibberish. Help! What if I screw it all up? Everything will be over then. The entire year would have been a waste then. Why why why. My life's at stake. What am I doing. Am I destined to fail?

I see bad things. I see very bad things. I am doomed. 

Of Crossing Roads

"Life would have been so much simpler if it didn't involve crossing roads. "
  -The RiceEater

A week or so back, I took the Aero-Express from the airport to Hitec City. The place where I stay falls on that particular route, but alighting near it would mean that I cross the road to reach my home. So I rode the bus till the next traffic signal less than 500 meters away , hired an auto and paid the auto-wallah 30 bucks (or was it 40? ) just to cross the road and go 500 meters back!
Does this say something about me? No? Ah well, let me enlighten you. I have this small (okay, big) problem: I have an irrational fear of crossing roads. I call it "irrational" because, well, it's irrational. (Or maybe not. If you look at the way people drive here in Hyderabad. )
I know many people who cannot cross roads. But I am on a different level altogether. I have reached a point where just the thought of crossing roads (leave alone the act of crossing roads) freaks me out and puts me in a state of anxiety. If I am to go to some place, the first thing I think about is not how far away the place is or how much money it would take to go there, but it's which side of the road the place falls on and if I will have to cross any road to reach my destination. I might even choose to not go there if it involved crossing roads.
It may sound a bit crazy. But that's how it is.

I am not sure if anyone shares the kind of paranoia that I have. But I definitely know that it would do us ( people like me or even close) a world of good if the people in power started building a couple of over-bridges and subways here and there; at heavy traffic places and strategic locations. Wouldn't it make our lives so much easier!

If I were given one day to run the country, I don't know about anything but  I would sure end up making laws to construct over-bridges and subways at every 5 km distance. No kidding!

Sweet Child O' Mine Part 2

The past one month or so has been quite eventful, by my standards.
It began with the "exodus" of the North-Easterners from some southern Indian cities following rumors of possible attacks against them. At the peak of the crisis, things seemed pretty bad and everyone panicked, and for good reason. Though I think the parents back home were the ones doing much of the panicking. We kids were chilled out in comparison.
I left Hyderabad for home the morning of August 19. ( The decision to leave was made at 9 pm the night before. Yes. Just like that.) It was less of me being scared of my safety and more of me wanting to reassure my family by going home. My parents' worry had got to a point where they were calling me up every hour and telling me to stay safe. And to add to it, my brother was shouting on the phone and ordering me to go home. It was getting on my nerves. All of it. So I said "What the hell" and took off on a impromptu vacation. (And it cost me some 30000 rupees. But I am not gonna dwell on the money part. It breaks my heart. )
But it was less of a vacation and more of a Work From Home/ Study Leave. I worked for the better part of my stay at home. And I tried my best to study. Tried. Yes. Kind of fail it was though. But then "home" and "studying" haven't really gone that well together ever since I left home for college.

A day or two after I reached home, I had questioned my decision to come. I reached home on the 18th of August and knew that my leave could be extended till the 1st or 2nd of September at the max. While my sister was expecting a baby around the 8th of September. And I was pretty sure that I would be missing the birth of my nephew/niece. Unless the little bugger decided to come out early. Which we couldn't say anything about.
I had missed my sister's wedding too, for your information. No kidding. (Unavoidable circumstances. No, not quite unavoidable. Bloody company joining made me miss my only sister's wedding. I still curse myself for that.) And to miss yet another important event in my sister's life seemed like a crime. How could I miss the arrival of my first nephew/ niece , no? But circumstances said I would. Everyone said I would. I knew I would.
Brother-in-law told me to extend my leave on medical grounds. Said he would take care of the hospital certificates and all. But problem was that even with the certificates, my managers would easily guess that it was a hoax. And with all the problems I had in office, I couldn't take the chance. I don't want to get fired yet. (I still need a couple more months to figure out where to go next. You see. )

So I shed a tear or two (not really but kind of) , told myself I would come back in a month or so to see my little baby and booked my plane tickets for the 1st of September. I was all prepared to miss the baby's birth.

A day or two went by. And then one fine morning, as I woke up, my mum asked me to come downstairs. I went and she gave me the good news that my sister had decided to go for C-section a week before the expected date! It was totally out of the blue! I hadn't expected my sister to go for C-section. We thought she would be taking the "normal" route. But then she changed her mind. And I got lucky.
The baby was to come on the 1st of September, the day I was supposed to leave. So I had to re-schedule my flight to the next day. (Oh and by the way, 8 out of 10 times, I re-schedule/cancel my flight tickets. Another way of blowing my money. As if there aren't reasons enough already.)

And so on the afternoon of 1st September 2012 (3.13 pm to be exact), my darling sister gave birth to one of the cutest babies in the world. I became the proud aunt of a baby boy. (Wanted a niece. Got a baby boy. So wanted to spoil her with pretty dresses and shoes. Gotta spoil the nephew now.)

When the nurses brought him out to show us, the first thing I noticed was his nose. He's got his mother's nose. Haha. And you have to see my sister's nose to see why I am laughing. She's got a funny nose and it's been my mother's one concern. My mum always used to wish my brother had got my sister's nose and my sister my brother's. Haha. Mum says it's okay for a guy to have such a nose. But a girl deserves better. Makes me laugh every time.

A couple of hours later, I held my little nephew in my arms for the first time and when I did, I wanted to hold him forever. I didn't want to leave home at all after having seen that cute little thing. But sadly I had to. The next day itself. (Bloody work! )

He's now 12 days old. Growing cuter day by day. I look at his pics and I smile instantly. Brightens up my day. He makes me want to leave everything and go home and hold him.

Where Am I Safe?

Hardly a month back, we read about and saw visuals of the Guwahati incident where a teenage girl was molested outside a bar, in public, by a group of 10-20 men. And not one person came to her help. Not one vehicle stopped to help the girl.
A couple of days back, I read about the attempted rape and subsequent murder of a 25 year-old lawyer in Mumbai by the security guard of the building where she was staying.
And I got to asking myself , "Where am I safe?" 
"Is there any place left where I can be and not feel threatened?" 
We are not foolish to actually believe that the security guards in our buildings and offices will be our protectors but then we also do not think that they will be the perpetrators of premeditated and heinous crimes.

As single working women, living far away from our families, we are on our own. Literally. We have only ourselves.
And no, not all Indians are my brothers and sisters, like they made us recite in school. Brothers and sisters come to your help. The majority of the people won't.

It's been five years since I left home to pursue a college degree and a career and there hasn't been a single day when I could walk down the streets without worrying about getting touched, groped or molested.
I live in constant fear of being violated. It's a fear that I share with every other girl.
And the time of the day doesn't make much of a difference really. I am as scared at 2 in the afternoon as I am at 10 in the night. Maybe a little less but just the same.

There are dangers lurking every where, in every corner. At any time. It's a minefield. You never know when you will step on one and it will blow off.
And above all, there's the feeling of complete helplessness when you realize that your safety is not in your hands anymore. You can take all the caution in the world but people with the intention to do harm will always find a way to harm you.
Safety has become only an illusion, even if you do feel safe. And it takes only one small incident for that to break.

The streets have never been safe for us women. The home is no longer safe now.
All we can do is pray to a non-existent being and ask for protection.

Do Or Die

It's a serious affair. Either I Do or I Die.

Either I get into a decent B-School next year or my life is over. Like over over. 
It might sound a little too dramatic. But that's pretty much the truth.
Professionally, my career in my present firm is taking a downhill road.
And it's not that I am not doing my job well or I have bad relations with everyone. It's just that I have good relations with almost everyone except the decision-makers/the service line managers - the people who will be deciding whether I can move on to the next level in the firm or not.
And I am not even trying to change the way things are. Because ,simply put, I don't want to. I don't care. I have no intention to stay.
I have pretty much made up my mind to leave the firm by early next year. I am staying here only because people tell me the "profile" and "brand-name" of my firm's gonna help me in my MBA interviews if ,at all, I clear the written part of the exams. I am hanging on just for that reason.
So imagine not making it through the written exams. This one year will have been a total waste then. My career will have been messed up beyond salvation. My MBA aspirations will have been crushed.
I will have nowhere to go. Neither here nor there. What would I do then?  I have no answers.
I am scared beyond words. I freak out at times. No, I freak out most times.
Of course, I am trying my best here. But I don't know what the future holds. I will only know by the beginning of next year.
I will know then if I will get a shot at being "something" and doing "something" I want.

Life In Slow Motion

It's been a week minus any highs or lows; a straight line sort of. Except that I finally watched The Dark Knight Rises! (It blew my mind. But that's a different story.)

And not to forget the fact that I couldn't wish V for his birthday at 12 o'clock for I was busy enjoying the movie. Which could have been a pretty serious affair had he not been pretty high himself! So we both ended up saying sorry to each other later; me for wishing him late, he for being high. (Don't we complement each other! Meh! )

Other than these, there's nothing worth mentioning. That's how un-happening and slow my life is! But I am not complaining. Slow is good. Slow is fine for me. 

Sweet Child O' Mine

Touch wood. Before I even begin. For I am the worrying sort. ( I attribute this to my mother. She passed on her "worrying" genes to me.)
So touch wood again. And let me begin.

In less than two-months time, I will become the proud aunt of a baby girl/boy. For my sister is expecting her first child in the beginning of September.
And I am super-excited, to say the least.
I can't wait for it to come to this world. I am dying to hold that little thing in my arms and rock him/her to sleep. Promise to love and protect him/her forever.

I haven't asked my sister whether it's a boy or a girl. But I am a little partial towards girls and have been secretly wishing for a niece. But a nephew will be just as good.
She will be my little angel. He can be my little rascal. :)